chiNky tInKeRbeLL's rAnDoM rANts ...

This is going to be one of those posts that I write, where I'm going to sit and wonder afterwards if I should have actually written it, because I'm sure I'm going to sound like a sad little girl. Or emotionally imbalanced. Or slightly hormonal. But, in any case, it's what is on my heart right now, and I just want to put it out there.

The thing is, I'm disappointed.

It's interesting though that I have been working in my present job for almost 5 years as to this date. Before I graduated from College, unexpectedly, a top company called and asked me for an interview, then quickly at the same day I was interviewed, I took the exam then suddenly out of plan, I was hired! As my memory recalls, I just waited for my graduation day and finally started my training as soon as possible at Makati where our Head Office was located.

Despite my early exposure at work, and never had a vacation after my graduation day I seemingly let day passed working in my non-life insurance nature of work.

During those times, It's terrible, because I don't know what it is I'm searching for. My priority by then was to pass the CPA Board Examination and excel with my profession. A feeling of creating roots somewhere? A feeling of reassurance, that I'm gonna make the most of it at work? At the same time, it's tough to say how I'd want things to be, were I to choose an ideal reality for myself.

I guess that as the years go by, it becomes more and more real, working here at UCPB GEN. After all, I have learned to love this job. Enjoying in my own little ways the things I do in a daily/ monthly basis. I have learned to stand and decide on my own, be critically minded and all. Coped up with pressure, meet my deadlines, learned to lead... After all those years, now I know I'm a professional by heart. And as a whole, I've grown as a person.

I'm grateful each day that despite of the pressure, I'm enjoying so much my job though I'm a bit getting impatient with my boss. It's not being arrogant and boastful of myself, but I'm all efforts doing my work and I always want a job well done. I spent my extra days working so I can meet my deadlines, I made plans everyday and manage my time so I can accomplish everything. Even without our Branch Head, I can handle the job at the office.

Yet, yesterday I'm really so disappointed. Things aren't always as lovely as we think they're going to be, anyway. I was done last week of my Performance Appraisal and yesterday I got the final evaluation from my boss. I'm really not satisfied with the total performance factor he gave me. With all the sweats and efforts I'm doing, I am proud to say that I deserve an evaluation higher than what I've got. The basis is not just, being him inconsistent, considering that I have met more goals on 2008 compared on 2007. But my 2008 evaluation is lower than my 2007 performance appraisal. It's really not fair.

It's such a bad feeling when I know that I'm dedicated so much on my job, however I'm not given the prerogative I really deserved. It's frustrating, and I just end up talking a lot of things with my hubby and expressing my regret.

I always think of this quote from Francoise de Motteville:

The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure.

I do feel upset on things I'm finding pleasure. Odds are my boss don't actually see and appreciate what I'm doing at work. I realized that in reality, things will never be just the way I want them to be. And I won't get the "high mark" as often as I'd like to. Unlike during my student days where I'm used to receive high grades that I deserve and finished each school year with flying colors.

Why do these things make me so sad? All I wish for, at this point, is to not be so sad about it. It's moments like these when I wonder if I'll ever feel the way I think I should feel at this point in my life. Honestly, I just feel like a little girl, or something. Not at all like I think a twenty-five year old girl should feel - especially one who is happily married, blessed beyond all reason, and has an absolutely lovely life.