chiNky tInKeRbeLL's rAnDoM rANts ...

Lately I've been feeling a little bit lost.

It's odd, because I fluctuate between knowing exactly what I want to do and then second guessing myself. Between complete and utter bliss and then comparing my life too much to someone else's. Between feeling right on track and then feeling completely left behind. Between feeling ridiculously confident and then feeling embarrassed or insecure. I'd say that I'm happy but just a little confused. And I guess that right now I'm trying to focus on taking my life one day at a time - trying to appreciate the moments and the people who mean the most to me.

I haven't had much motivation to do anything truly creative lately (studying, working, writing, crafts) which may be the cause of some of my mixed up feelings. It's odd, that these past two days my motivation to study comes in waves. I'm either completely overflowing with so many new ideas that I find it difficult to get to sleep at night - or I'm in a complete and utter funk.

I've also been trying my hardest to take as much "me time" as possible. I've learned that I'm able to find much more peace within myself when I take the time to just be alone. Some people need a calendar filled with many activities to feel like they're truly fulfilled - but as for me? I need time to study harder in order to have those same feelings.

I've been doing a lot of wondering about what it is I should do with my life. Isn't that always the question? "What should I do with my life?" It's so frustrating when I feel like I'm wasting so many hours doing something that isn't at all my passion. Maybe it's finally catching up with me - all those emotions of simply wanting to follow my heart and lead a passionate, artistic, joyful and fulfilling professional life. And as much as I know what direction I want to go in, I still feel a little stuck. But I really want to be a CPA.

It's like I'm looking in every direction, knowing where I need to end up but simply not knowing which way I should take to get there. It's overwhelming, I guess. And that's when the second-guessing comes in and I start thinking, "What if I fail?"

I am so ridiculously blessed, and I hate wasting time on negative or worried thoughts - but I guess sometimes I just can't help it.

To be honest, so much of me wishes it were more widely accepted for people to take huge risks and to be a little "irresponsible" every now and then. I'd love to drop everything, kidnap my husband and just travel for several months with our daughter. I'd love to not think about all the silly things that the world deems so important. I'd love to connect more with myself, with my spiritual side, with my adventurous side, with my childlike side. I'd love to not worry about wearing make-up or whether or not I need to lose a few pounds - to simply not have to look in the mirror for a while. I'd love to be somewhere that I can look up at night and see the stars, where I can breathe fresh air, where things are safer and all I have to worry about is existing and learning and loving and enjoying.

I get kind of fed up with everything else that distracts me from those things.

I'm sure I sound a little silly, but that's okay. These are just things that have been occupying my thoughts these days and it feels good to have it all written out. It makes me feel like I'm beginning to figure them out, I guess.