Lately I've been feeling a little bit lost.
It's odd, because I fluctuate between knowing exactly what I want to do and then second guessing myself. Between complete and utter bliss and then comparing my life too much to someone else's. Between feeling right on track and then feeling completely left behind. Between feeling ridiculously confident and then feeling embarrassed or insecure. I'd say that I'm happy but just a little confused. And I guess that right now I'm trying to focus on taking my life one day at a time - trying to appreciate the moments and the people who mean the most to me.
I haven't had much motivation to do anything truly creative lately (studying, working, writing, crafts) which may be the cause of some of my mixed up feelings. It's odd, that these past two days my motivation to study comes in waves. I'm either completely overflowing with so many new ideas that I find it difficult to get to sleep at night - or I'm in a complete and utter funk.
I've also been trying my hardest to take as much "me time" as possible. I've learned that I'm able to find much more peace within myself when I take the time to just be alone. Some people need a calendar filled with many activities to feel like they're truly fulfilled - but as for me? I need time to study harder in order to have those same feelings.
I've been doing a lot of wondering about what it is I should do with my life. Isn't that always the question? "What should I do with my life?" It's so frustrating when I feel like I'm wasting so many hours doing something that isn't at all my passion. Maybe it's finally catching up with me - all those emotions of simply wanting to follow my heart and lead a passionate, artistic, joyful and fulfilling professional life. And as much as I know what direction I want to go in, I still feel a little stuck. But I really want to be a CPA.
It's like I'm looking in every direction, knowing where I need to end up but simply not knowing which way I should take to get there. It's overwhelming, I guess. And that's when the second-guessing comes in and I start thinking, "What if I fail?"
I am so ridiculously blessed, and I hate wasting time on negative or worried thoughts - but I guess sometimes I just can't help it.
To be honest, so much of me wishes it were more widely accepted for people to take huge risks and to be a little "irresponsible" every now and then. I'd love to drop everything, kidnap my husband and just travel for several months with our daughter. I'd love to not think about all the silly things that the world deems so important. I'd love to connect more with myself, with my spiritual side, with my adventurous side, with my childlike side. I'd love to not worry about wearing make-up or whether or not I need to lose a few pounds - to simply not have to look in the mirror for a while. I'd love to be somewhere that I can look up at night and see the stars, where I can breathe fresh air, where things are safer and all I have to worry about is existing and learning and loving and enjoying.
I get kind of fed up with everything else that distracts me from those things.
I'm sure I sound a little silly, but that's okay. These are just things that have been occupying my thoughts these days and it feels good to have it all written out. It makes me feel like I'm beginning to figure them out, I guess.
I seemed to be bored the past days and I somehow let days pass by and live it just the way it is... I'm mentally and emotionally disruptive caused by my busy and loaded days at work. (since monday, honestly I really was...) The couple of days I was nearly upset handling client by client since our Branch Head was out and the same time I was occupied coordinating our upcoming Agent's Meeting and Get Together, inviting our agents and negotiating for the catering. But still, I'm really so thankful that I was able to get things done all by myself.
Yesterday, our Luzon Operations Group Manager was here at the branch primarily for the agents meeting. We had a few talks and meetings basically, regarding the branch operations. We all know that that this year, meeting our budget is really a tough one. Everyone was expectedly scolded including myself, but on the other hand was applauded for my job efforts.
Our LOD Manager leave early for some odd reasons. I was shocked when suddenly I received a text message from him that I should prepare myself and learn everything that I need to know because soon I'll be taking my boss place. My reaction?! Huh?! Of course, I was in deep shock.. That I just suddenly blurted to myself.. Oh no! After that surprising text message, I still received a few texts encouraging me to had the initiative to undergo training and seminars that I needed for my promotion. At that moment, despite our event for the afternoon, my heart was at my utmost happiness. I just have realized that God really knows how to bring good things back and it suddenly comes when we least expect it. After all... I thought it was too late but everything was just right on time. Just recently, I have turned down a job out of the country for the reason that I was waiting for my 5 years in service at my present work. Honestly, I always say it was "sayang" because the opportunity might not come again but good things in return sometimes makes the sacrifices and waiting worth it..
For now, I know I needed a lot of encouragement, confidence and strength to better prove myself that I truly deserve these "good things". And today, I have began telling myself that... I AM, I CAN AND I WILL...
(girl power... "wink")
the past month, i seem to neglect my regular gratitude list weekly. Terribly, I was just so busy with my job and I guess sometimes, I just really want to enjoy my life the way it is without simply writing everything.
granted, I'm happy with what's going on with my life. I spent long hours at work, then after office hours I go home and spent time with my husband and daughter, I watch television at night regularly (that's my stress medication), I take a shower for 15 to 20 minutes, and I listen to music before I go to sleep, that's my lullaby.
I do what I want, I buy what I adore but not spending too much, I communicate with those special persons with my life, I go out with friends once in a while, hang out and catch things up with them... sometimes I work during Saturdays, and manage to clean our room's mess during Sundays. I had fun watching my favorite movies and watching them over and over again every time I feel to. I relaxed while listening to my thousands of music collections... I visit the saloon and had my hair done usually once a month.. I strictly want everything to be organized and well planned.. those simple things makes me love my life at the moment...
"Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do, first for the other fellow and then for ourselves." - Helen Keller.
As, always, I've been doing a lot of thinking about finding contentment in myself, and the person I am. There are days I feel like an absolute goddess, and there are days where I feel absolutely disgusted. For the most part, I'm okay. I guess that sometimes I just think that I'll magically wake up one morning with a wonderful body image and incredible self esteem. Until that happens, I do appreciate days where I'm simply contented with being me. I just wish they would last longer.
But right now, I am happy for what I have & for who I am. Though there are really times when I pause for a moment and start to ponder what I've already become, and if I'm happy in this given choice in my life. I was too obvious & was caught by it, so I end up questioning myself even more, “what really makes me happy?”. Uhmmm,I want to be the cause of happiness in someone else’ life and to feel again what it feels like to be fulfilled by doing and having what I want.
It's good thing though, I've already listed in my mind all possible negative repercussions. I hate things going awry. It's just that sometimes, I have a terrible mood swings going from bubbly moment to cranky the next. But still I'm trying to cope up with that emotions. I know life is short to make things complicated. I guess I just need to get out, cheer up & have fun!
Good vibes!
Sumimng all up my last weeks goodness & gratitude
0 comments Posted by chinky tinkerbell at Monday, July 13, 2009
Mood: Happy and enjoying my job for the day despite having lots of thoughts in my mind...
Whoa, I am soooo far behind on writing out my gratitude list! Can you believe I am actually trying to catch up and going back two weeks to figure out what I was grateful for during the week of June 29th?
But here goes - my memory is still pretty much intact.
The past two weeks seems to be really occupied by busy days on my schedules. Though everyday, I do things on a routine basis. I work during weekdays, still catching up on my pending workloads. Apparently, I only have a few to be done. I usually go home tired and suffering headaches at the end of the day. Watching TV at night, once in a while playing with my so playful daughter, and sleeping late texting, that's just my daily routine these past couple of weeks. Havaianas slippers and Mario D Boro stilletoes are the new stuffs I just recently got. Last saturday, weekend after the last I managed to work 7 hours and accomplished my renewal accounts. My everyday life becomes a routine lately, somehow I really feel the boredom but there's a light feeling, I know I'm happy.
Last weekend, Leigh & I got the chance to go home at my Mom & Dad's place at the province. Honestly, there's no better place than the home I grew up with. I also visited my friend Azhele and her son Kyon, we had some talks and catch up some things. Last Sunday (12th), I had this super short haircut and I'm loving it. Me, in a new look. =) After having the curly hair just a month ago, now I'm having a new hairstyle again. I love the younger look in me.. Yey!
I know, I know. You're all, "Really? Calm down with the narcissism, already. Geeze." But I will not apologize for an impromptu photo shoot on a good hair day. I refuse! (Please tell me I'm not the only one who wants to grab a camera immediately once I realize I am experiencing a good hair day, just to document the goodness.) And, anyway, at least I didn't make a photo montage with the rest of the eighteen photos. (I AM KIDDING. Kind of.)
So, the whole point of this post is to tell you about something that has basically changed my life. Or, the life of my hair, anyway. Something like that.
"For the love of all things holy. The hair. OH, THE HUMANITY." (Like so.) However, now, I'm happy to say that this is my new favorite hairstyle ever. Once you get the hang of it, you'll love having a curly hair.
On a side note, I've found that it sometimes works best for me to flip hair the opposite way. Instead of twisting hair "down" I'll twist it "up" so the curl loops around the other way. (If that even makes sense.) Having curly hair now is an addiction. I was naturally born having straight hair and gets my hair rebonded every year. I guess, trying a new hairstyle will somewhat give me more sense of experimenting my looks. (Oh no, confidence maybe!) And also? I everytime I wake up in the morning with perfect waves, and didn't even have to do anything to my hair, aside from a quick fluff, before walking out the door. (Which is surprising for many reasons, but mostly I was pretty sure I was going to wake up with my hair looking like a hot, crunchy mess, matted to the side of my face and was going to be forced to leave the house like that, simply because I have to wake up at the crack of morning on weekdays and give myself a mere forty five minutes to get ready.) So, needless to say, it was always a good morning.
And then taking an unnecessary amount of photos afterwards fixing my curly hair. Because that is always the best part. (Yes, it is!)
Gratitude from last week:
Monday June 22 78/365
First day of the week.. loving my hair & my outfit
on my inspiring days to lose weight (I'm looking fat again, oh no!)
loving to take pictures of myself
Reading Paulo Coelho's Brida
Never ending work!
Tuesday June 23 79/365
me, on a tuesday rush at the office
more & more encoding works
being incredibly good at customer service
my hair looking like goldilocks and I really love it
veggie lunch
thrilling episodes & action scenes of Tayong Dalawa
Wednesday June 24 80/365
still, on the go on my encoding works
fulfillment on lessening my pending workloads
chatting with joy & maye makes my day alive
a bit sad but trying to cope with the feeling
bedrest at night and watching TV
Thursday June 25 81/365
it's cut off day at work
rush day making productions aiming for the budget
good song background while working on pressure
lovable daughter who'll kiss me when I got home (sweet!)
Friday June 26 82/365
Friday on the go
done with my QP reports
it's payday
luxuriously express massage at body rehab
my new blue jelly havaianas flip flops
black manicure & pedicure
Saturday June 27 83/365
Trip to Manila (it's Doz bday!)
lots of foods
bonding & reuniting with my Cybercare family
newly meet friend Sis Clariz (no dull moments with her...)
it's somehow a bad day but still thankful that hubby & I arrived home safely
Sunday June 28 84/365
Sam's Bday at Golden Dragon
wonderful feeling for joining a kid's party together with my hubby & Leigh
games & prizes (yipee!)
bonding day with my daughter at home
restday
watched KC's For the First at home (for the 2nd time, I really appreciate the story!)
it's gratitude time again (still I'm catching up!)
0 comments Posted by chinky tinkerbell at Friday, June 26, 2009
I have been a little behind on blogging, and a lot behind on doing my gratitude lists. Here is mine from LAST week. It is always good to remember what I am grateful for.
Monday June 15 71/365
Wonderful Monday!
My Singapore pictures uploaded on Fs
Appreciating (my cousin) Maye's openness and trust on me
Spicy Japanese Seafood noodles for lunch
Night time hobby of watching ( I can't get enough through it!)
Tuesday June 16 72/365
Work, work & work
Loving Leigh's new pictures designed by hubby
Glad having a text mate while working
Chatting more with Maye
Wednesday June 17 73/365
Rainy Wednesday
Great chance of moving to another work out of the country
Inspired to work
Quite done with my July renewals
A luxurious back massage at Body Rehab
Relaxed body and a nice sleep
Thursday June 18 74/365
A jolly email conversation at Cybercare group
Finally done with my July renewals
Dinner together with my fam
I will never miss watching of course
Slept late texting
Friday June 19 75/365
Pretty & nice wash day outfit
Really loving my curly hair
More inspired to work
Listening to music while working
Night out with Friends
Going home at 230am (Oh no, I'm quite drunk!)
Saturday June 20 76/365
A wonderful day of staying at home
Lazy all day, lying in bed watching
Eating & sleeping after!
Sunday June 21 77/365
Another day of sleeping & relaxing
Bonding time with my hubby & Leigh
Watching Twilight (again) in the morning & High School Musical 3 at night
Attending the mass with my hubby & the two kids
Shopped at Union Square
Grateful for the behaved attitude of the kids (they really are!)
